MIA

Hey Gang! Sorry I've been out of touch for so long, but Aaron got the new hardwood floor installed in our new room. It's attached to the office, so using the computer has been pretty toxic for the past week or so. But - it's exciting that another big part of that room is finished. Of course, once this room is done - an even BIGGER remodel will be underway... I'm just not thinking about that right now.

Christmas was pretty good. We didn't go to overboard with the presents, but each got some things we were excited to receive. My mom visited, and as I said in my last post, she was pretty tiring to have as a guest. She isn't one to just sit and relax, I'm sure you all know the type. And, she has been listening to 'advice' from people she works with - talking to me about 'just relaxing' and stuff like that. I didn't get mad with her - she really is at a loss for what to say to me at this point.

The final shitty thing of the year is that my maternal grandmother passed away on Sunday morning. We weren't very close to begin with, but about 15 years ago, my mother and her had a falling out and some pretty horrible things were said to my mother. She isn't the type to forgive and forget, so she 'divorced' herself from her mother. They haven't spoke since. And I, because I felt like I had to support my mother, didn't either. My grandmother wasn't a very loving or warm person, so it wasn't a huge loss. But I did know that it still bothered my mom, because she was always telling my stuff she heard about her mom from her cousins... she pretended like she didn't care but she did. When she called me to tell her that she died, I asked if she wanted to go to the funeral. She said she didn't, and then she started crying. So, we've arranged for a private viewing on Weds so she can say goodbye but not have to see the part of the family that was so cruel to her.

NO matter what, it's never easy to learn that your mother has died.

I've been battling a pretty bad cold for the past few days (what a fun vacation, let me tell you) - but looking forward to a fun New Year's eve party at my friend's house tonight. They have the game Rock Band for Xbox 360 - and it's SUPER fun. We are going to dress up like rock stars and everything.

Fakin' it till I'm makin' it.

That is my theory. If things are shitty, just pretend that they aren't... and eventually, it'll be true. Well, I've never really needed to fake it for quite this long (well at least not for a very long time). And it's exhausting. My mom was here from Saturday, and we went to a show on Saturday, out shopping on Sunday, had a dinner party on Monday night. Tuesday I couldn't function. I just opened presents and then sat in the living room all day. I felt really bad that I wasn't entertaining her... but I just couldn't do it anymore.

The cleaning ladies came today - giving Aaron and I reason to totally get rid of any signs of Christmas in the house. I feel better now that my living room isn't crowded by a tree that is leaving needles everywhere. I feel like such a scrooge!

I did go for a massage today, and it felt great. But, for at least the next 24 hours I'm allowing myself to just veg out and do NOTHING. I'm tired, still a bit sad, and wanting it to be my turn. I almost wrote 'wanting it to be my turn for the good stuff' and even I'm not that bitter yet. I know I have a better life than most...so I won't go there.

Damn.

Well, let's list out the shitty things that have happened in the past 72 hours.

1. D&C
2. Main Septic line on house backed up (fixed, thankfully)
3. Dog peeing all over house
4. Cece gets car stuck in snow
5. Aaron breaks shear pin on snowblower (while trying to get car unstuck)
6. MIL visits (OK, that wasn't all that shitty, but I had to throw it in)
7. Melting snow/ice combo leaks water into new addition

Each night we go to bed and figure that nothing else bad can happen, can it? Thankfully, today is finally going smoothly. We are cooking dinner for some friends, my mom is here and being the right level of 'annoying mother' to make it fun... and all the presents are wrapped under the tree.

The piece of good stuff I wanted to tell you all about? The Gathering Kitchen. It's is even better than it sounds. You go to this place, they have all the ingredients and spices and everything you need right in front of you, chopped and ready to go! Nothing could be easier! And the portions are for 4 - 6 people, so I got 2 or 3 meals out of each! I'm totally planning on going each month.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas Eve - I hope nothing else decides to go wrong. I'm a little nervous - because Aaron decided that right now, 2 hours before guests arrive, was the right time to install a new light in the dining room. Fingers crossed.

Freaking snow

Now, I'm not one to complain about the snow... I live in New England because I love it. But WILL complain about it when it forces my 1 PM D&C, which I was NOT happy to be getting in the first place, to be delayed until 5:30. We left the hospital at 7 PM.

The procedure itself was no big deal - but it was the first time that I've gotten a tube down my throat during surgery - and that is what is sore today - nothing else. The big deal was the not eating for almost 16 hours, dehydrated headache, and listening to all the people in the waiting room whine and complain about the delays. I was crying on and off with frustration, mostly.

The good news was the doc I had was the same doc as my ET - and I like her a lot - she was very sweet. And now I'm feeling fine. I got a blood HCG to see that the levels are down to zero - if they aren't I needed to get more blood drawn to watch them go down.

**Breaking news bulletin***. Today is supposed to be an EASIER day! As I was sitting here typing, and I could hear water running! All over the bathroom. And as we were mopping everything else, our dog decided to pee everywhere (pay attention to me, Ma!). AUGH! Aaron just drove out to get a snake to fix it. Christ.

Tonight, my MIL is visiting. This is the woman that knows what I'm going through because it took her 3 months to get pregnant once. And now she is told Aaron that she's also had a D&C (do you get those is you haven't had a miscarriage? I don't think so).We were supposed to go down to Westport, MA to pick her up (1.5 hour drive) but I told Aaron to use the pity card - and his brother is driving her here instead. So, I still have to deal with her, but only for a quick overnight, and then my Mom is here until the day after Christmas.

I have some fun new things to share with you, but don't want to throw it at the bottom of that whining post!

And the hits just keep on rolling...

I'm scheduled for a D&C tomorrow, 1 PM.

I got a bad feeling when the u/s tech was asking me if I had a lot of cramping (which I haven't), and then showed me on the ultrasound that I should have a line down the middle of my uterus(which I didn't). And, since I had breakfast, we couldn't do it today.... so now we have to drive all the way into Boston AGAIN tomorrow.

I've scheduled a massage for myself this afternoon - my shoulders are so tight they are killing me.

So - thing start getting better when?

Cranky

I'm at work today, and god forbid anyone dares to cross me. I'm SUPER cranky. We moved from one floor to another at work, and I went from having an office (with a DOOR) to a cube. Now, the cube is very nice and spacious and I have a window and anything... but NO DOOR. And the people who are sitting around me are very very very annoying. I guess I'll have to learn to tune them out. One sounds like a crow when she talks. AUGH!

Tomorrow I go in for my ultrasound to see if everything is cleared up. I think it should be - I finally stopped bleeding last night with a bit of spotting today. I really do NOT want to have to have surgery - so keep your fingers crossed on that front. I'll be seeing my nurse after the u/s - so I'll ask her questions on the plan for the next cycle. I do know I have to have it before March 31st (for insurance), but I don't think that will be an issue. I am planning on taking the whole day tomorrow as a sick day - so that will be nice in a not so nice way....

Alright - I need to go to the store and pick up a few random things for Aaron for Christmas. We aren't doing anything major - but I have some funny joke things that I'd like to get.

Heavy Sigh

I learned 2 things this weekend. I like Manhattans (the adult beverage). 6 is too many.

We went to a holiday party on Friday. For a passing moment, I thought it was maybe a bad idea. But Aaron wanted to go so badly, that I went along for the ride. I was going to use the same coping mechanism that I use with Aaron's family... have 2 drinks within the first 1/2 hour, and then maintain the buzz all night. (I highly recommend this to anyone with horrible in-laws. You just look at them and smile when they come over and ask for the 100th time if you are pregnant yet, or how much your new car cost or when will you be visiting again? Take another sip and smile.) The secret is NOT getting drunk. Turns out that 2 Manhattans is like 4 drinks - because I was wasted in short order. Normally that would be fun, but a bunch of Aaron's work friends were there, and I was pouring out my life story. And really only giving the BAD parts.

Awesome.

Then, on the way home, I had a meltdown - telling him that I'm so frustrated that most of my friends that got married in the same year as us have kids (yes, kids plural) and that it must suck for him to be married to me.... having to go through all this bullshit to have children when so many others don't even have to think about it.... and on an on an on and on.

Good times.

What I'm thinking that that I shouldn't be drinking heavily for a bit. Or maybe do it when I only have a few minutes drive home? Not an hour? Poor Aaron.

I had another holiday party last night. This was with the ladies on my street, and it was fun. Get together with a group of woman who have had children, and you learn, again, that pretty much everyone has had miscarriages. Totally normal (but still sucky). I got a lot of hugs and offers of help if I need it. I found out there there are 3 nurses on my street, and one of them actually has gone as a traveling nurse to the homes of people doing IVF to administer shots! Because the husband won't do it! I told that to Aaron, and he said any man who won't do the shots, when his wife is willing to put her body through so much - is lame! It's good to know that if Aaron needed to go away on business, I have other options.

That party last night was the same party that threw me for a loop last year. We went around the room last year, and said what we were thankful for. There were 20 woman there, and 3 were visibly pregnant (this was a month after my ectopic). Those 3, and two more, gave thanks for their healthy pregnancy. All I could do was sit there and throw on the fake smile. This year - I just told the people in charge that if they did the thankful thing I would kill them. (We are also friends now, and I told them that story, and they still feel bad about it.).

Onto my final week of work before vacation. Thank god.

Good things

Because I really don't have much more to say about the miscarriage than 'Fuck.' - I thought I'd take a bit this week to talk about the good things. I'm very lucky in my life to not only have a pretty much perfect husband (trust me, he has his faults, but he's perfect where it matters), but also a great group of wonderful friends. Last night, one of them brought over some take out food, and other joined later to sit and knit, eat chocolate cake and drink wine coolers with me. (Wine coolers! It's been like 10 years! They are AWESOME). There was also a card that read:

"The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour".

And on the inside it said: "Happiness is on it's way!".

What a perfect card. It made me smile, and it's right next to my desk. I do know that the ectopic, the years of trying and the miscarriage are just our detours on the way to parenthood. I have complete faith that we'll be parents. I'd just really like to get on the main road soon.

Thanks

Hey everyone. Thanks for your nice, thoughtful and supportive comments yesterday. After all the spotting last week - I had a pretty good feeling that things were going south, but was trying to stay positive.

You know, because staying positive is important. And relaxing. Drink some wine and you'll get pregnant.

Whoops, bitter Cece has entered the building.

All last week I had bright red spotting. I knew it was bad when I called the nurse and they wanted to know the size of the spots - dime sized or quarter? And I was like, well - they are all smooshed together now... I can't tell how big they are when they overlap! Sigh. And then on Monday night, I was home and sitting in the living room, and I felt a gush. No pain, just a gush. I went to the bathroom, and I was bleeding... but I would wipe and it would stop. I would go back and sit, and a few minutes later a bit more. Again and again. I called Aaron, who was working late, and told him I was spotting again.... and I could tell that he was sick of me obsessing about it (I couldn't come out on the phone and say I was bleeding for whatever reason.). I just knew that it was a miscarriage, but didn't want to say the words.

After a restless night's sleep, Aaron asked me in the morning what I wanted to do. Did I want to wait until Weds for the u/s? I did but I didn't. So we went in. They confirmed everything, but were very nice and understanding.

I'm OK. Sad, but OK. Everyone has been really great, and Aaron is being wonderful. The doc told me that they'll review my case, and once I get my period, we'll start again. And I'm ready, trust me. I have the whole week of Christmas off, and we are staying home. My boss is being really understanding (he wife went through this also) so that is good. But I'm working today - if I just sit here, all I'll do is cry. And that sucks.

I go in again next week for an u/s to be sure everything is OK again, and then I'll just relax for a bit.

That sucks

Went to the doc this morning. After I posted last night - I had a LOT of bleeding. They confirmed a miscarriage.

Damn it.

Random Thoughts

I did call my nurse. She makes the following good points:
1. There is nothing they could actually do if I was having a miscarriage.
2. I'm not having major pain, so that is a good sign (hey Jo - it's like you are a doctor or something, you are just so smart)
3. I could come in for the u/s tomorrow, but it would be on an emergency basis. Which means I'd sit there and wait for hours until they could fit me in.

Since Rational Cece is in the house, and points 1 - 3 make it seem a bit silly to go in and waste hours when I have a 8:45 u/s appointment for the next day... I'm waiting. Come on Wedsday... and bleeding? You can stop anytime now. Seriously.

Other random points:
- I cleaned out my desk for the first time in years. I found 25 euros from my honeymoon. Sweet! Now I need to get them exchanged for cold hard American cashola.
- Our Christmas tree is up and beautiful. Probably our best yet. Not to tall, not to wide.... and it looks great.
- I received my Christmas CD from JJ. Damn that gal can sing! I would recommend that everyone rush over and buy one (and help fund her baby making!)
- I've lost a bunch of subscribers on bloglines. Perhaps people are pissed that I'm whining so much and can't just be happy I'm pregnant? Sorry - I'll work on that. Or maybe it's the swearing.
- I finally gave into my first craving. Doritos. Oh how I love you and your cheesy, orangie, salty wonderfulness.

Since I'm a doctor...

NOT.

I'm thinking that clot/bleeding is/was a Subchorionic Hematoma. Just because I haven't had any real pain, and once that clot passed yesterday, I've barely had any spotting.

I know a bunch of you are recommending I call and see if I can get the u/s early - but I'm not going to do that. I know that if I go in early, and don't see a heartbeat because I pushed it too early, I'll be MORE freaked out than I am about the bleeding. As of today, I'm 6.5 weeks. When we go on Wends, I'll be 7 weeks, and I know we should see a heartbeat at that point.

Also - honestly - if I'm going to get bad news, I rather wait and not rush it, know what I mean?

Fuck.

So. I've been spotting red since Tuesday. Tonight, I went to the bathroom, and a swear, a clot the size of my thumbnail came out. I freaked out and showed Aaron (I'm sure he is loving this). He says it's normal for all we know - considering I'm on the progesterone and everything. I hate this. I want Weds to be here NOW.

I was thinking I should call the IVF fellow on call - but everytime I've mentioned my spotting to the nurse - she says it's normal - and I know plenty of you out there that have had it and are fine. And another part of me would just like to wait until Weds in case it's bad news too.

Fuck.

6 Weeks and change

I just found out today that one of my friend's wife is also pregnant - and due just a few weeks before me! Makes me feel bad that he was worried to tell me - but I think it's cool. Of course, my first thought was that I hope we get to be pregnancy buddies... and then I flashed to... why wouldn't we? It isn't like I have a history of miscarriages! I have a history of trouble getting pregnant and of it not being in the right place. Well, I AM pregnant and it IS in the right place. Plus - remember I had that implantation bleeding at 10 DPO? That is a little later than normal... so being a little behind makes sense. Of course - I'll hold off on total excitement until Weds... but I think this is great news, having a buddy IRL to go through pregnancy with. And this is her second baby - so she'll be a great resource.

In other news, I've been trying to follow a good pregnancy diet. I'm eating a lot of fruits and veggies, eating Total for breakfast, and including a lot more calcium in my diet. I also stopped caffeine and am taking my prenatal vitamin daily. I told myself in the beginning that I wasn't going to let myself be all obsessed with what people tell me to eat (Christ - my mother drank coffee and alcohol the whole time she was pregnant with me!)... but it does make sense. Mostly it's just being healthy. I also really want to start getting back to the gym, but my nurse says to wait on that until the spotting stops... which makes sense.

Looking forward to the weekend - I need to put up our Christmas tree!

I'm an ass

I can't let myself me happy about my pregnancy! It's annoying! The spotting continued yesterday (but has almost totally stopped today) and even though I was told to expect it... I didn't know how LONG was normal.

Also - my nausea? It's more in the form of *burp*, *BURP*, *BURP*, *GROSS BURP*. Do you know what I mean? I'm not throwing up... but there is a lot of burping and the occasional gross, throw-upy kind of burp.

But yesterday, one of my neighbors stopped by with this really cool pregnancy journal thing - it tells you what is happening every single day. And has a bunch of good tips (like don't drink water WITH food - I have noticed that increases the chance of gross burps).

Aaron is SO positive and optimistic that he's kind of forcing me to be too... and I have no real reason to think that everything isn't just fine... but I'm nervous. You know what I mean?

The day after...

I woke up this morning all excited and happy. It's a great feeling. I guess yesterday's appointment was weighing on me a heck of a lot more than I thought.

I'm feeling a lot more 'pregnant' today. Yesterday I had my first real bout of nausea! Who knew I'd be excited for that to start? But, on the other hand, the spotting hasn't stopped. God forbid that nerve wracking, supposedly 'normal' thing would just stop for me! But - the nurse did make a point of telling me yesterday to expect spotting from my trans-vag u/s yesterday. I understand that they needed to be totally sure the second embryo didn't implant where it wasn't supposed to - but I was violated by the u/s tech. I seriously was in pain. Which is why this current bit of red spotting isn't freaking me out (much). I would be more surprised if I didn't spot, I think.

Well gals, guess this is really happening! I even added the little ticker on my sidebar with a picture of what little Hulk looks like. How is that for positive thinking?

good news! One yolk sack in the right place!

I'm home! What a great day. First - what you all came to see:

I got to the appointment about 45 minutes early - and they only made we wait for a bit. I went in the room, and right away she did the u/s on my stomach - they saw the sac right away! Huge relief for me, obviously.

Then I had to wait a bit for the trans-vaginal one, as the radiologist needed to be there. That was really NOT pleasant. Since they put in two, and I have a history with an ectopic, they had to look everywhere for a second sac. Let's just say that if I was worried about having sex because of the baby, I am no longer. It was VERY uncomfortable.

We didn't see a heartbeat, but I'm not worried about that. I'm measuring 5 and a half weeks - which is what I was thinking I would be (with that later implantation spotting and my low numbers to begin with). My nurse has me coming in next week on Weds for an ultrasound where we should definitely see a heartbeat... and Aaron will be back in town for that... which obviously makes me happy. I know seeing the hearbeat is yet another thing for me to obsess about - but for whatever reason - I'm not. At least not just yet.

Happy Sigh.

Ok.

I've come to a sort of peace (kind of). There is not one thing that I can do to change tomorrow's ultrasound. It will be what it will be. Aaron and I have done everything just as the doctor told us, and so far, so good. Tomorrow at 1:30, I'll find out what is going on inside... and that is both exciting and scary. And, like Aaron told me before he left tonight - no matter what happens - we are going to be OK.

Not saying I won't cry if things aren't as we hope... but I know that I'll be OK. I certainly wish that I had him by my side for everything - but I've got a pretty great 'stand-in'... and I'm really hoping that all this worry is for naught.

I keep on reminding myself that my numbers were great. Everything looks good. The spotting is minimal. So, I'll keep on thinking good thoughts, and know that I have a huge support team out there putting out good, positive vibes too.

I promise to update when I get home tomorrow!

Where I'm at.

It's nice to be reassured with all my bloodwork going up as expected. If I poke around the Internet (you knew I couldn't resist) I find that in an IVF cycle there is up to a 4% chance of an ectopic. Of those that are ectopic, only 6.5% have normally rising HCG levels. So - that is a pretty damn small percentage... which helps to reassure me....

But, like I said the other day, I knew I couldn't just relax once I got that good third beta. I need to see the little guy(s)! And that means another few days of waiting. Since Aaron will be out of town, I've lined up a friend to take me. She is a fellow IFer (who now has 2 beautiful children) and has been though it all. She is being really great and optimistic with me, but totally understands why I don't want to go alone, and is willing to stay in Boston with me if need be until Aaron (or my mother) can drive in to be with me. I really really really hope it doesn't happen.

The spotting has decreased a lot. The spotting went like this - Thanksgiving afternoon - red and more than what I would define as spotting (but definitely NOT full flow). That ended by Friday evening. Saturday - Weds, if there was any spotting, it was brown. Weds afternoon - Thursday, a bit more of the red, but not as heavy as the first time. And now, we are back to brown. I don't have any cramps associated with this, and like I've said before, my nurse assures me it normal.

Tonight is my first shot free evening! Aaron is working overnight tonight, so I plan on sitting and catching up with my DVR and relaxing. Think good thoughts for Monday, gals.

Sing it with me:

That's the way I like it.

HCG = 648.

Yeahhhhhh baby. No more blood work for me!

My first u/s is sometime next week. Early next week. When Aaron is out of town. I may need to recruit someone to come with me... as this is the same timeline last time where they found the ectopic.

But for now? Ridiculously happy. Finally.

In other good news....I'm allowed to stop my PIO shots tomorrow. As of last week, they started causing hard, red itchy spots. When I asked the nurse about it - she said that they usually have people stop the PIO and move to suppositories after the 3rd beta... so I'll do that!

So.

This is a strange place to be in. I so desperately want to be HAPPY! Jumping up and down! And I admit, I am happy. I'm so glad that things are looking great. But like so many IF bloggers have said before, I'm cautiously happy. The ability to be out of my mind excited died with that u/s over a year ago. When I was so excited to get pictures of my little bean... I already had plans how I was going to tell my mother... Christ, I was even looking at new cute rugs for the baby room. And then to be laying there on that table and not see it in my uterus. Devastating.

This time, I'm not doing any of that. I have figured out when my due date is (July 28th) but that is about it. I'm trying to protect myself from that horrible feeling I had when I was SO excited and then SO sad. I tell myself that I'll let myself be excited after my beta doubles. Well, now I'm saying I'll let myself relax when I see another good doubling on Weds. And then, lets take a wild guess, I'll be waiting until I get to that u/s and everything looks good.

Like I told Aaron the day before the first BPT, I'm terrified. I never want to have to go though that sort of pain again. I don't think my family is thinking about that - they are all excited - and then get this strange look on their face when I'm not jumping up and down too. And that sucks. I want to be excited. I want to be over the moon. I want to be like all the ladies on the July 2008 boards that have already picked out names and are rooting for a boy or a girl. Human baby is fine with me! Thanks!

On the up side, I'm having a bunch of symptoms. I'm SO thirsty there isn't enough water in the world to quench it. I'm tired. VERY VERY tired. And my boobs are still sore. All great things.

Wish I could truly enjoy it!

Keep up with the thoughts/prayers/finger crossing - it' working. This time we are rooting for 538 or greater. I'll update when I find out tomorrow afternoon.

HELL YEAH!

I needed my HCG to be 130.

It's 269!

Huuuuuuzzzaaaaaah!!!!

Damn I'm happy. My nurse is still holding out for another beta on Weds - but I'm allowing myself to be excited!

Feeling better...

Of course I won't feel 100% better until tomorrow, but the spotting has slowed WAY down. And It's mostly brown (hey, if it was TMI, you would have stopped reading this when I was wanting to take pictures of my nipples). Anyway - my symptoms aren't really major - most very enhanced smell (which brings on waves on not wanting to eat things), very cool dreams every night (last night I was a vampire on my college swim team), and I'm really thirsty all the time. Of course, I'm also only 4 weeks 6 days pregnant at this point, so I wouldn't expect anything major yet. How about I start stressing about that AFTER the good HCG tomorrow?

My HCG needs to be at 150 tomorrow - so lets all pray/wish/think good thoughts for that, OK?

I feel like I need to share my major meltdown on Tuesday night. Aaron and I were getting ready for bed, and I asked where the HPT was for the morning. And he said - I really wish you would just wait for the BPT tomorrow, like the doctor told you too. And I LOST IT. I was screaming and telling him that there was NO WAY I was going to Nantucket without having some idea of the results. That I didn't want to be crying like a crazy woman in his mother's house. And we ranted and raved at each other for a good hour. Fun, fun. I was even picking up the phone to call her and tell her we weren't coming, but I couldn't remember the phone number (and surprisingly) Aaron wouldn't tell it to me (which just made me MORE angry).

So, when the HPT was negative, and the BPT was positive, let's just say Aaron has a right to say "I told you so".

But - my MIL had about the exact reaction I expected. "You're pregnant? Better stop drinking coffee". WTF.

3 days to go.

So. I was feeling pretty great about everything on Friday. In disbelief, but excited. Even before you all started commenting with all your supportive info, I know of a bunch of people that had had low numbers and did great.

Thursday I started spotting and I haven't really stopped. Maybe it'll stop for a few hours, and it is definitely NOT full flow, and I'm not having major cramping. But I'm spotting. Which although I know is normal, is making me nervous.

I'm holding out on being excited until I here something great on Monday.

Blood Preg Test IS POSITIVE!!!

My HCG was 37!!!!!

OMG!!!

The nurse says it isn't exactly where they like, but as said that I did test 2 days early. I'll go back in on Monday for a retest. Think good thoughts for me.

Whooooooooooooooooooot!

hpt negative - mobile blogging- I'm ok - will post again after bpt

I'm losing my mind

Good times. Yesterday I was basically freaking out. I called Aaron on the phone and told him that I abso-fucking-lutly was testing this morning. That I couldn't take it any more. I needed to know. And he talked me down to waiting until Wednesday morning.

I know a bunch of you are all about HPTs and watching the HCG get out of your system and then watch to see if you start getting lines again.... well both Aaron and I know that I just can't handle that. It's been 30 months of TTC. Thirty. Fucking. Months. I've watched other bloggers get all excited about a line, and then have it end in a BFN or a chemical pregnancy... and I don't need that kind of heartache. I'm tired of disappointment, and honestly am having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this is the first cycle of IVF, and that we have a great chance. And that we have more cycles to go.

But right now I'm tired. I'm pretty sure I lost a friend in this journey. I don't know how or why, but she hasn't called to really talk for weeks. I'm nervous about going to Nantucket for Thanksgiving with Aaron's family. He keeps on telling me that he'll call and cancel the trip... but do I want to be 'that girl'? The one that is such a wreak that she can't get pregnant that she starts canceling going to family events? Not yet, at least.

So, when Aaron was drawing up my PIO shot last night, I just started crying. I'm tired of this bullshit. I just want to get pregnant and MOVE ON. I wish I wasn't in this crazy world where for 2 weeks we are second guessing every single tiny thing that happens in our bodies. Normal people are a few days late with their period and think 'hey I should take a HPT'. And then they have to go out and actually BUY one because they don't have a freaking box of 5 from Costco. And, I cried for about 30 minutes... and poor Aaron just held me. I don't think he knows what to do anymore either.

Thank god I only have maybe 20 hours to go until I test. Then I can either be happy or sad and be done with it.

On the Fence

I've had to whole weekend to think about things (Well. Let's be real - one thing. Am. I. Pregnant.). And I have to say, I'm not 100% sure. I have symptoms, but not a huge amount... and those could be due to the progesterone (sore boobs, darker nipples), and others are kind of AF like (cramps, zits). The outlier is the potential implantation spotting on 7DPT. I still feel really positive. I must admit I was sorely tempted on Sunday to dig through all of Aaron's things to see where he hid the HPTs. I didn't.

I keep on comparing things to my ectopic pregnancy, because it's my only reference point. I have a note on my fertility friend chart about tender breasts at 12 and 13 DPO. And fatigue on 15 DPO. Today is only 12DPO for me right now. I'm thinking that some of the things I felt then may not be the same for a 'normal' pregnancy. We were on a 'rest' cycle, so I wasn't even thinking that I may be pregnant then, and wasn't obsessing properly.

I feel like I've made it this far, I can wait a few more days. We will go into my clinic first thing in the morning, so we are sure that they can get us the results that same day. And I will prepare myself for the worst. And, rational me (who may not be available to talk to after a negative test result) knows that I responded really well to the IVF treatment. That we have another cycle approved by insurance before March. That this cycle was a good learning experience for both me and the doctors.

But damn do I want this to be it. Aaron the Oracle (who correctly guessed the number of eggs they would retrieve AND the number that would fertilize) tells me that he thinks that I am pregnant with one, and it's a girl.

Guess I'll find out in 3 days! Well, not about the girl thing. Because we want it to be a surprise. Or the 'one' part. Because that will have to wait for the 6 week u/s. But at least the pregnancy thing!

Come and obsess with me...

I'm nervous that this is setting me up for a huge let down on Wednesday, but what the hell. Even though I've been though loads of BFNs, I think it's kind of a GOOD sign that I haven't completely given up on hope, right?

Here are my current symptoms:

• Yesterday, I had spotting. A very small amount (like 3 or 4 spots of pink, and then later in the day 2 brownish). At first I was like SHIT. And then I realized I was at 10 DPO. Could it be implantation spotting. I looked around the Internet, and why yes, yes it could.
• I have zits. Everywhere. Thankfully, not too much on my face, but on my belly! And my side (one ever right where my bra hits, ouch) and my shoulders.
• I'm having twinges in my breasts.... nothing major, but they are there.
• A small amount of cramping
• The area around my nipples is definitely darker.

Needless to say, my hopes are totally up. God save me.

Less than a week!

I get my BPT on Weds. No longer am I saying NEXT Wednesday, because it's less than a week from today. OMG. I'm not feeling any symptoms as of yet, but with my ectopic, I didn't have any symptoms until 12DPO, and really, nothing MAJOR until more like 18DPO. So, let's hope that is OK, and that my little embies are all snuggled in.

A few day ago, Baby Step nominated me for the Flame of Fortitude award:
You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words.

I'm honored, of course. But like many others have said - I didn't do this by choice. I just do it. Aaron and I are meant to be parents. If we have to go through a little bit of hell to get there? So be it. And love popping in on everyone's blogs... seeing how they are doing, getting updates on their most recent treatments, being excited for our recent rash of BFPs (Serenity, Baby Duex, Mary Ellen) and following up with my buddies going through cycles right now (Baby Step, Geohde). I also know that I love the support you guys give to me. My friends out in the real world? It's an interesting mix of those who haven't even talked to me since my egg retrieval (which honestly, WTF?), others who have checked in to let me know that they are thinking of me, and then those that I call my cheerleaders. The one that are praying for me, and rooting for twins, and figuring out when my due date will be.... an interesting mix, to say the least.

All you here in blogland? I love it that you laugh at my desire to take before and after pictures of certain body parts. I love it that you totally understand the desire to do a pregnancy test when it just doesn't make any rational sense to do so. And, that you've all been here. In this shitty two week wait - so you are popping in - leaving comments to cheer me up.. and it works! I can only hope that I have been able to do the same for all of you.

Oh. And I handed over all my pee sticks to Aaron so I would stop being tempted. That isn't saying I don't have a $20 bill burning a hole in my pocket....

Things I wish I had

1. A 'before' picture of my nipples to compare to (I know this is weird. Whatever. I am weird). Right now I just keep asking Aaron if they look darker.
2. I wish I was temping so I could obsess properly on that front (although - do temps means anything with such a medicated cycle?).
3. To not have my pregnancy test to be over a holiday weekend. I wish it were on either the Monday before or after.
4. The exact percentage chance that I have of this working based on woman with my stats (32 years old, unexplained infertility, prior ectopic pregnancy).

Oh - and I went back to my FF chart and saw that I had breast tenderness on my chart with my ectopic pregnancy at 12 DPO - so I'll start obsessing about that towards the end of the week...

Good times.

Hi! It's me! Waiting!

Sigh. So. I'm in the shower today. I'm 5 days past my transfer. And I'm thinking in the shower how taking a HPT test would maybe be a good idea, you know, since I'm technically 8 DPO?!

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Trust me, I know that 'this way madness lies' so I won't do it. But it's pretty funny to listen to the little battle of wills in my head:

Crazy Self: Do it! It'll be a BFP and then you can continue to think positive!
Rational Self: No, no. It's a waste of a test.
Crazy Self: But didn't you feel that tiny twinge in your uterus last night? It's a SIGN!
Rational Self: Um, you can't possibly be feeling 'signs' this early. And, dumbass, you are on progesterone!

Sigh. So, to keep myself busy, I've been knitting. A lot. In the past week I've almost finished 2 sweaters - one for my 4 year old niece for Christmas, and another for one of the little embryos that is hopefully nestling itself in for the long haul. It's a good way to help pass the time. I've been relaxing since Thursday - I was very good with the whole chair rest thing.... and then this weekend my only big outing was to the yarn store (supplies!). And today I have off work.

9 more sleeps until we test.

Blog Cross Pollination!

OK, this a little late (we got confused with the whole date thing), but without further ado, my post for blog cross-pollination! Take a guess who it really is in the comments, and find my real post for the day (AFTER you guess) here.

Good Times

If all my embryo's were frozen at day 2 and are then thawed the day before an FET I assume that would make them 3 day embryo's at transfer? Either way whether I am 14DPO or 15DPO I am out. Today's test was snow white. I didn't feel pregnant and it was the result I was expecting. I did it more for the sake of David who is hanging out for Monday's blood test results. I prefer to test beforehand so I can prepare myself for that phone call and already have a plan to discuss for the next cycle.

After making what we were told were 11 beautiful looking embryos I really thought that we would be pregnant by the end of this year. That it would be a Christmas I could finally enjoy. We now have one last attempt before our clinic closes down for the holidays and we are forced to have a break. If my Dr. isn't open to changes for 2008 I am going to be looking for a new FS. I am going to push for a x2 transfer for my last 2007 attempt and in the new year I am going to give these hormone replacement therapy cycles the flick in exchange for a Clomid/FET.

I guess I will be back with an update after Mondays meltdown :D

My Lucky Penny

So, this whole 2WW after the transfer is going to be pretty brutal, huh? Yesterday, I had the afterglow of the transfer (2 perfect embies! Hurrah!). Today, I'm googling 'IVF success rates with 8 cells and 9 cells'. I've been in the 2WW after treatment before - but it's been over a year! I'm out of practice.

The one thing that I have going for me this cycle that I didn't have in my last medicated cycles (well, besides the whole IVF thing) is that I have a lucky penny. When I was a little girl, anytime I found a penny, I would throw it in my right shoe - my mom told me that would bring me luck. Later, I amended that to pennies that were found 'heads' up - a boyfriend told me that picking up one that was 'tails' up was bad luck.

On Monday, which was day 7 on stims, the day after I found I wasn't responding as my doc would have liked, I was walking to my car after work, and there it was. Right in the middle of the walkway - where everyone else in my office building must walk to get to their cars. A heads up penny. I picked it up and threw it in my right shoe.

I had it with me in the room for my subsequently better u/s, and then stuck it in my bra for the egg retrieval. Yesterday, when Aaron and I were undressing for the transfer, I was pulling the penny out of my shoe and stuffing it in my bra. He caught what I was doing out of the corner of my eye, and questioned what I was doing. I told him the penny story. He asked if he could hold the penny for me in his right shoe during the transfer (PS - don't you love it how he doesn't think I'm insane?).

There it is. The secret weapon in my arsenal. Forget about the 13 eggs retrieved, 8 fertilized, And the 2 perfect embryos put back in. It's that lucky penny that is going to work the magic for us.

Only 13 more sleeps until my BPT.

Perfect.

Everything went perfectly. Meet Hulk and Princess*

The one on the left is a nine cell, and the right is 8. I actually had the head of embryology in the room for my transfer - and she really likes the 8 cell one.... I happen to think they are both pretty great. The whole transfer procedure was great - we were joking around and talking about our dogs... I think that bodes well.

Please stick around, little guys! I love you already!

The reason we transferred 2 is that unfortunately, the two others that they were considering for freezing have too many 'bubbles' which doesn't give good results in the thawing process. So - 2 good ones are in! And that is perfect to me!

* God save me, but Aaron keeps on teasing me that he wants to name our son Hulk. As in the Bruce Banner, as in GO GREEN?! Sigh. We've taken to calling them Hulk and Princess (since Aaron is really pulling for twins - and he has vetoed Hulkette)

Transfer Scheduled

Looks like we are doing a Day 3 transfer. I'm scheduled at 12:30 tomorrow!

I was able to to talk to my nurse last night, and she said that my blood pregnancy test was schedule for the 23rd - and was that going to work for me? I asked if it would be ok to push it to Weds morning - so I would know one way or the other before Thanksgiving. She said that would be fine. And if (hopefully!!!!) it's positive, they usually like you to come in 2 days later for a retest... but said I could just wait until Monday (the 26th).

I'm still a little in denial that I'm finally going through all this! I feel really calm and totally not freaked out. Of course, I don't have the little guys back in me yet. Maybe tomorrow will be totally different. Who knows.

I find out tomorrow how many they will transfer - I think I'll take Mary Ellen's advice and not let them do more than 2! My plan for the next few day is to just hang out and relax. My clinic suggested 'chair' rest for 2 days, so I'll work from home on Friday, and take it nice and easy on the weekend. I even have Monday off work (Veteran's Day) so that gives them a good 5 days to get nice and comfortable.

And the final little bit of good news? My first PIO shot last night was no biggie at all. Didn't feel the needle, didn't have pain after, no bruise or bump this morning. Perhaps this is a benefit to an 'ample' behind?

Fert report...

Ok - so after waiting ALL DAY - I finally called the IVF fellow on call.

8 fertilized! Which is 62% fert rate.... which sounds great to me. Tomorrow I find out when they'll do the transfer.

Today is my favorite kind of day

It's cold, blustery and raining. I absolutely love days when I can hear the rain hitting the roof. Just something about the sound of rain that I love. Ever hear the expression 'right as rain'?.

I'm working from home today. I was thinking that I would go in, but the extra hour of sleep I get when I don't have to look pretty/commute was really needed! I was somewhat nervous for yesterday's ER, but more for the surgery part and less for the actual fear of not getting any eggs. I knew I had at least 9, and I was totally happy with that number. I was more nervous of having the same reaction as I did after my ACL surgery - where I threw up for 3 hours after I woke up. And that didn't happen! Hurrah!

I'm at peace with the cycle. My hopes are WAY up that it will work - but I'm also encouraged that we got a decent number of eggs, and soon enough, we'll know how many fertilized. The only sticky part of this whole deal is that my blood pregnancy test is schedule for Thanksgiving. Guess we'll just see how that goes! We are planning on visiting Aaron's family for Thanksgiving - and they live on an island! So - either my clinic will draw blood for me on Thanksgiving day, or I'm going to have to wait a heck of a lot longer than I want to get my results!

I promise to update when I get my fert report.

13 Retrieved!

And I feel like a rock star. It really wasn't a big deal at all.

Thank god. Now, let's hope those 13 eggs turn in to 13 embryos!

Trigger and ER!

I'm for sure triggering tonight. This mornings blood work and u/s showed 9 follies and an E2 at 1300.

Yippppeeeeee!!!!

ER is on Monday morning at 9 Am.

I plan to spend the rest of the weekend relaxing. So excited!

Got my ER date!

My blood work and u/s came back, my estradiol is up to 803, and I have 5 measurable follies - this biggest is 18 X 14, and then the next is 17 X 14. I also have a bunch of little ones that the nurse thinks will catch up by then.

I do 2 more nights of the follistim (tonight and Friday) and then go in Saturday for another u/s and blood work. The nurse seemed pretty sure I'd be triggering on Saturday night for Monday morning retrieval!

OMG! This is really happening!!!!!

Halloween?

Hope everyone had a great Halloween. In my neighborhood - it's usually a bit of a show. We live on a 'horseshoe' so lots of people from the town will drive their kids over, drop them on one end of the street and wait for them on other. I know a lot of IFers hate Halloween, since it's such a kid-centric holiday, but we always have a blast. We sit in our front yard, with a fire pit blazing, and eat ribs from the grill and smores. Yum.

I went in this morning for another round of blood work and u/s - and just like last time, I'll update when I find out this afternoon. The u/s tech can't really tell me what she sees, but she did say that she'd see me tomorrow - which I can only assume means that I have some large follies! I'm hoping that the other ones are catching up. Although 4 is the minimum for an IVF cycle, and I know I have at least 4, I'd like to have extra, you know?!

Even though I don't really know anything, I'm guessing that my ER will be this weekend....

In other TMI news.... my nether regions have been rather dry lately. I had heard from Geohde to expect this, but since it didn't happen on the Clomid, I wasn't expecting it to happen on the follistim. Well, it happened. And it's weird and uncomfortable, to say the least. But today? I'm seeing fertile CM, and therefore nervous that I'm going to ovulate on my own. They check for that stuff right? Or should I talk to my nurse about it when she calls?

just breathe...

ETA: My estradiol is up to 391 (from 98 on Sunday) with 4 measurable follies over 10mm (with more than 5 under 10mm on each side).That seems like good news to me! Back in for bloodwork and u/s on Thursday morning.Grow follies grow!!

That was on the socks that my hypnotherapist was wearing yesterday. Mostly - she talks to me and calms me down... and then does a little hypnosis. But this time, she used a new technique called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) - and it's awesome! I guess I should preface this by saying that when someone first suggested I try hypnotherapy, I was a HUGE skeptic. After my first session of hypnosis - I was a total believer! I felt so relaxed, and didn't even feel like I was under for 30 minutes - felt like maybe 5.

Back to the EFT. At a high level, you say out loud your fears (for me, I'm worried this IVF cycle won't work, I'm freaked out, I'll feel all tied up in knots, I'm nervous I've cursed myself) and tap the side of your hand. And then tap other areas of your body. The bad feelings slowly melted away. I have no idea how this stuff works, but it does. I do know that by saying my fears out loud, I did hear how crazy some of them are! Love it.

This morning I went in for my bloodwork and u/s. I'm on day 8 of stims now. Unlike my other clinic - this place doesn't let you see the screen during the u/s. And she wouldn't even tell me how many follies she saw...said the doc had to read it. But, she did do a bunch of measurements... so I'm hoping I have some promising follies growing. I'll just have to wait until my nurse calls this afternoon.

Introducing you all to my craziness...

So. After last night's freak out (which is still continuing, thank you very much - although you all did make me feel a bit better!), I thought I should explain how I got there so quickly. I can remember the point in my life where I'm pretty sure I cursed myself on the fertility front.

Aaron and I had done a bicycle ride from Boston to P-Town (about 120 miles). We slept over that night, and the next morning, one of my girlfriends and I walked to get coffee. I saw someone with a little baby, and she said 'when do you guys think you are going to start trying'? And I said - 'I hope soon - I just have a feeling I'm going to have trouble'. I said that because one of my friends at work was pregnant after missing one BCP. One. I have in the past missed up to 3 pills in a cycle... and also had issues with taking the pill and getting flu. And didn't take other precautions... and didn't get pregnant.

I had no medical reasons to think I was going to have trouble. My mother had no issues. My brothers all have children. Aaron's brothers all have babies. Why would I even say that?

And then, when I really found out that we were going to need help, I was talking to some of my friends who have been through numerous cycles. One of the gals also was 'unexplained', and when I asked how her cycles went, she said that no matter how many drugs they pumped into her, she never responded.

When she said that, I thought, damn... I hope that doesn't happen to me.

So, when I go the call last night that I wasn't responding as they expected, my first thought was that I'd cursed myself again. Which is crazy. Totally crazy. I know it, I'm sure you all will tell me that... but it's what I'm thinking.

I'm going to get some hypnotherapy this afternoon to try and stave off the craziness.

Estradiol 98 pg/ml on day 6 of Stims?

Is this a big crisis? Should I be freaking out? They are upping my follistim by a little less than double the dose I was on before....

This is what I found on Dr. Google (at least I'm not at 75)

Abstract Purpose : To compare two GnRHa flare protocols among poor responders undergoing IVF-ET and to evaluate if a Day 6 estradiol level can predict outcome.
Methods : Retrospective analyses of GnRHa flare IVF cycles among poor responders. Group A (miniflare, N = 36) 40 g GnRHa s.c. b.i.d. from Day 3; Group B (standard flare, N = 24) 1 mg GnRHa on Days 2–3; 0.5 mg GnRHa from Day 4. ROC analysis was performed to find a Day 6 estradiol value that is predictive of cycle outcome.
Results : With the standard flare, patients required less gonadotropins and tended to have fewer cancellations and higher pregnancy rates. A Day 6 estradiol level 75 pg/mL was predictive of cycle cancellation, but not of pregnancy outcome.
Conclusions : Standard GnRHa flare offers some advantages over the miniflare. Day 6 estradiol 75 pg/mL is predictive of cycle cancellation. When the estradiol level is low on Day 6 (no flare), early cancellation should be considered.

Damn, I look good holding a baby

Go ahead. Click and go here. Scroll down to the first picture. That is me holding a friend's 5 week old baby. See! I need one of my own!

Doing the shot in my belly was MUCH better last night. Only major side effect is a constant headache... but it isn't a WICKED headache... just an annoyance.

Stinging Stims....

Last night, I started my follistim. We did the shot where we have been doing lupron (back of my arm) and DAMN did it sting. Maybe some of your IVF veterans out there have some tips? I think I'm going to try my belly tonight.

In other news, I have to go into Boston for bloodwork (thankfully, no wanding.... although I am curious as to what is going on in there by then) on Sunday morning. 8 AM. It's an hour drive one way. And my father in law is visiting. Sigh. This baby is messing with my sleep schedule before it is even conceived!!

Good times

So. AF came yesterday. And then stopped. And then started again full force late night.I may be cheating, but I went in for my baseline bloodwork and u/s today. I was supposed to go the day after AF started. Does AF starting at 11 PM count? Does it really matter? Guess I'll find out this afternoon when my nurse calls with the results! I just have an important meeting for work on Weds morning, and didn't want to chance being late.

I've never had a baseline u/s... but it took forever. And I was so worried about the bloodwork lady not being able to find my vein that I drank a bunch of water (like 32 ozs) before I got to the office. I now think I would rather deal with multiple sticks for bloodwork than 20 minutes of fishing around in my private parts for my ovaries. I would be self conscious, thinking it is because I am heavy.. but when I was 20 pounds heavier, my old clinic had no issues. I blame my bladder. I did empty out right before I went in... but I bet it filled up again before long.

Sigh.

Guess the shots start tonight! I supposedly should have to go back in for another round of bloodwork and u/s for 6 days.

Cranky Scale

I'm about an 8.5 on the cranky scale today. I'm on day 10 of lupron... and AF was due yesterday. She's still a no-show. They told me that it may take longer to get my period on Lupron, but I didn't believe them. Guess that means it's all working, right? The combo of PMS and the lupron is making for good times though - I'm pretty cranky.

I am hormonal Cece, hear me roar.

Anyway - I spent the day Saturday at the NY Sheep and Wool festival. For knitters, this is kind of like a mecca of wonderful knitty things and people. I got my spinning wheel fixed (hopefully that is going to be a good stress reliever this winter) and got to spend time with an internet friend who is pregnant now after IVF. She did a great job of reassuring me about the shots and the rest of this cycle... and gave me a bit of hope about the whole thing. I also spent time with another fiber pal who brought her 5 week old baby girl... and let me hold her as much as I'd like. It was great.

I think the other reason I'm cranky is that I stayed up way too late watching the Red Sox last night - GO SOX!

Side Effects?

So. I'm 6 days into my lupron... and I was going to post last night about how I'm side-effectless.... but I don't think that is true anymore. I thankfully do not have any headaches or (more than normal) moodiness - but last night I woke up covered in sweat. Yuck. I hate that. And today, as I was drying my hair for work, I had lines of sweat running down my face.

Damn, I'm sexy.

A year ago today, we found out my much awaited pregnancy was ectopic. I was wondering how I would feel today - and honestly, I'm totally fine. I was much worse on my EDD of June 14th...I think it's because I'm moving forward and we are back to working with the docs. In June I was still with old doc and being jerked around by insurance. AF is due tomorrow, but my nurses tell me that it may take longer to arrive because of the lupron. We'll see. But once it comes - I'm starting the follistim, and the real fun begins.

It's really happening, isn't it?

It's slowly sinking in that I'm actually getting ready to start my IVF cycle. The cycle that I've been waiting for almost a year for. I know that we all complain about how much the waiting sucks... but in hind site, I think I needed this time off.

Oct 19th, 2006 - my husband and I happily made our way to my 6 week ultrasound. I had already had a whole list of names in my head, already finished knitting a whole baby sweater.... and we found out it was ectopic. Not really what we were expecting, to say the least. I was devastated. I wanted to jump right back into TTCing. I raged at Aaron. I felt like I was 'broken'. I was desperately trying to 'relax'. I dropped 30 pounds thinking maybe it was my weight that was the issue.

Months passed. Still no sign of a pregnancy. We made the big decision to go to IVF in April. We got delayed. And rejected. And rejected. Somewhere in those months, I came to a weird sort of peace. I became my own advocate. I changed docs. I stopped working out 3 hours a day.

I was getting so spun up in the moment.... people giving me advice about what to do, what may help, my doctor talking about different thing for us to try..... I was out of control. This 'forced' TTC break (even though we were trying on our own) was probably the best thing that could have happened (shhh don't tell Aaron!). Now that we are FINALLY ready. Now that I FINALLY have my meds sitting in the frig... my plans made - I feel calm.

I obviously hope this works the very first time. I would love to bring home a baby in July. And I feel like I am in control this time around. Me. And that is the most important thing.

Not saying that the whole needle up my ho-ha doesn't make me nervous. Or that I'm looking forward to the weeks of shots. But I'm ready, and I'm in a good place. Now, let's hope I can stay here!

Red Sox, Lupron, and the importance of pinching

This weekend Aaron and I went to see the Red Sox. Aaron got the tickets from his office, as a little bonus - and did we have a blast!

Sadly, things went badly in the 11th inning... and we lost. But it was SO much fun. We were there until 1:30 AM.

I'm on day 3 of the Lupron, and thankfully - no side effects as of yet. I've had a cold for the past week, so maybe I'm just concentrating on being miserable with that? Aaron has been giving me the shots in the morning (I've been doing the back of my upper arm - it works out great), and this morning, he forgot to pinch my skin. OUCH. Lessons learned.

Have I mentioned I love my new clinic?

ETA: Aaron got the call - he said it this way, and those of you that know me IRL will totally laugh: 'The nurse says you are totally normal, and we can start shots tomorrow'. Totally normal! LOL!!!

Today was my first blood draw - the day 21 progesterone test to see if I can start my lupron tomorrow. Par for the course - I'm kind of freaking out about it, as I've never had a day 21 progesterone test. I hope all comes back fine. Another reason I was freaking out is that my last clinic had all sorts of issues finding my veins... calling me difficult, pretty much always taking multiple attempts to stick me, and once or twice needing to stick the needle in the top of my hand, which hurt. I dreaded it. My new clinic? Took the lady one try, and when I commented that she was a goddess, she laughed, and asked why I would say that. I told her about my past bad experience, and she said - well those people obviously didn't know what they were doing!

Yep. I agree.

The drive into get my blood drawn is about 40 minutes one way... which is a huge change from my 10 minute detour for my other clinic - but I feel so much better about that whole experience, that it's OK. I even treated myself to a breakfast sandwich on the way back to my office.

Speaking of the office....I'm going forward with my new job opportunity. I think it'll be a good diversion will all this IVF crap going on, and in the long run, a less stressful job. Although I'll be giving up managing a team, I will be gaining a new skill.. so it all evens out in the long run. This is, of course, assuming I even get the job! I work for a large company, so things tend to move very slowly.

Phew!

That was a bit of a blogging break, I guess! I was frantically knitting on a shawl to wear to a family wedding this past weekend, and didn't have time for blogging. Check it out here.

Anyway! Thursday was the IVF class at my clinic, and although taking 4 hours in the middle of a workday kind of sucked - all in all it was really good for both Aaron and I. I was forced to give myself a shot - which wasn't as scary as I thought, and Aaron got to know all the nitty gritty details for the whole process. He kept on saying over and over again how we should call our old clinic and tell them they should do something like this.

My protocol is Lupron for 10 days (minimum) and then follistim. After ER (or ET?) I'll start the progesterone shots. It all sounds scary and exciting at the same time... but I feel ready for it!

In other news, on Thursday night I got offered a new job (same company, different job). It's a quandary for me. I would be going from my current job, where I have 15 people that I manage to an individual contributor - but in charge of a big project with a HUGE budget. There are pros and cons to both - but currently, I'm bored in my job, and the politics in my department kind of suck. But, we are high profile and do good work. My new job would be project management (a highly portable skill) where I would be interacting with new people and learning a whole new skill set. Of course, I would love to be able to wait a month or so to decide. But - I know I will regret not at least seriously considering it.

Really teetering on the edge....

When I started this blog back in April, I really thought that I was 'teetering on the edge' of starting IVF. It seems like it would really just be the next month. Or if not that month, maybe the month after.

Well, here I am - really teetering! 7 months later! Aaron was telling me how he may have to be traveling for business next week - and I told him not to worry about it - so long as he was home for Friday. Because I think I'll be starting my lupron shots on Friday. And he said 'That soon?!'

I'm not going to talk about the common theme across IF Land that we spend a hell of a lot of time waiting. Because you know it, I know it, and anyone who has ever tried to get pregnant knows it. I have spent so much time WAITING... it's kind of scary to be MOVING. I'm sure a lot of my questions will be answered in Thursday's class, but I feel like in the past, I knew what to expect. I know we have shots to take, and u/s to go to, and blood to be drawn... but then there is the V-NOD*, seeing real time how Aaron little soldiers and my eggs get along when they get close to each other... and hopefully, god willing...the transfer (how many? Aaron strongly wants to do 2. I go back and forth. I'd love twins. Twins run naturally in both of our families... but can I handle it?!??!)

The fact that I honestly didn't think I'd get approved until November, so I have plans to go away the weekend of the 2nd, and was also planning on going to Disney for a long weekend on Nov 9th. That I may BE PREGNANT around the holidays.

Ok. Deep breath. (and maybe a gin and tonic when I get home tonight.)

*V-NOD is a acronym that Geohde and I came up with for the 'vaginal needle of doom' used at retrieval.

The Fair

Hey gals - good advice on the trying not to plan. I'll give it my best shot - but I do need to give my work and Aaron some sort of outline so they know what to expect.

In other news, this weekend was the Bolton Fair. It's the next town over from us, and I entered a bunch of my knitting into the competition. Go look over at my knitting blog to see all the prizes!

When I was over knitting at my neighbors house (we get together and knit and drink every Wednesday night - it's fun!) I bought over some of the stuff I was thinking of entering, and asked if anyone was going. Tara and Colleen said they hadn't gone before and would love to - so we met up on Sunday and all went. I had thought that the husbands were going too, so brought Aaron. Well, turned out to be me, Aaron, Tara and her 9 month old son, and Colleen and her 6 month old son.

Hmmm.

Truly, it was no big deal - because I hang out with these women often, and they are really fun. But Evan (Colleen's son) really wanted to be held, and of course, it's hard to hold a baby, push a stroller and eat fair food all at the same time - so we were passing Evan between Aaron and I all day. I love Even, so it was cool. And Aaron was really cute about the whole thing - pushing strollers and helping everyone out. I guess that since this is what I expect when I hang out with my neighbors, that I didn't even give it a second thought.

Aaron, as we were walking out, whispered in my ear - "next year, we'll have our own baby to be hauling around the fair."

I think that when guys socialize, it's rarely with a baby in the mix. So, for Aaron to spend a whole day with babies helped him realize what my crowd is like. I do still have a few non-mommy friends, but on my street? If I want to be social, almost 80% of the conversation is based around the cute things their baby did, or school bus dramas or lead paint recalls. I really enjoy hanging out! And these woman are all great - I just think that spending a day with babies at a fair had made Aaron realize why I want a baby so badly.

And why, sometimes it's hard to see babies. Everywhere. Except with me.

I made it through....

This weekend with my MIL visiting was totally fine. We share hobbies in common - so when she arrived while Aaron was coaching, we went out for lunch, and then to a few quilt stores. I even picked up a little Christmasy type project to do myself. Usually I don't do the cheesy seasonal quilt stuff - but this one is cute.

She did take me aside and do a bit of a lecture that when bad things happen to us, that we can't just hid away from family. I pretty much think that I can do whatever it is that I think will help me get through it! And of course, the whole time she was here, she was gushing over how cute Aaron's older brother's children are, and what dress my niece is wearing to the family wedding... blah blah blah. She has no clue that what she is saying is exactly why I'm avoiding her, but whatever. I don't have the energy to educate her, and it isn't like she lives right next door.

We had to push the IVF class off another week. Aaron's new boss is coming into town for ONLY this Thursday - so he has meetings with her all day. I, of course, have a meeting with a big-wig in my firm for lunch the next Thursday.... and they don't have the class on the holiday week, and we have to do the class before we start everything (which will be Oct 12th). So - I'm just going to suck it up and miss my facetime with the bigwig. What is more important, really? I can't believe this is all happening, FINALLY!

I did do the math, and looks like my ER may be the exact weekend I'm planning on going away (but I'm sure they try to time things so it's not over a weekend), and I'll be having my beta right before Thanksgiving (which we are spending at my MILs). So - everyone will pretty much know right away if it worked or not - because Thanksgiving is a huge drinking holiday in our family! No hiding until the 2nd trimester for me!

Wow - that was a pretty optimistic thing to say.... let's hope this optimism stays with me....

You gals....

Are just so sweet. I loved all the comments on my book tour questions and the birthday wishes! It really was a wonderful birthday - a bit more low key than I'm used to, but it's what I wanted this year.

I really just shot those answers off quickly as I was on my way to my massage - and I re-read them after I got all the positive comments. I think it's pretty interesting to me how optimistic I still am. Maybe it's because my diagnosis is unexplained infertility? I know that I have an 80% chance of getting pregnant on my own within 4 years... and hey - I've been trying for almost 3! My turn has to be soon, doesn't it??!??!?!

This weekend my mother in law is visiting - just for a quick overnight. Aaron is actually pretty excited about it - it's her first visit I think since we moved in (over 2 years ago) that didn't include another reason for her to be there (a wedding, Aaron's brother was here with his babies, or a birthday party for her brother in law that also lives in our town). He acts all tough about it - but the fact that his relationship with her is so much harder than with his father is hard on him. He, of course, is coaching a soccer game when she is slated to arrive, so I'll be entertaining her on my own for a few hours. I should make it.

Worry if there isn't a post by Tuesday.

; )

In IVF news, AF is due today. She isn't here yet, but I feel the warning signs (all nice and bloated, zits, all that fun stuff). I called and got Aaron and I into our IVF 'class' (whatever that means? Mary Ellen? What is it?). That will be on Thursday morning next week from 8 AM - 11 Am! Geez. I'm bringing my knitting.

The Barren Book Tour and it's my birthday!

This time around - I took part in the Barren Book Tour. We read Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman. I started reading this book without having any idea what it was about - and was kind of blown away at first. Emilia has a stepson, and just lost her daughter to SIDS. I was often conflicted while reading the book that she should be happy for what she has (a stepson!) but not being able to understand how she even got out of bed in the morning. The loss of a 3 month old baby? I can't even comprehend.

Here are the questions I chose to answer:

- Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

I totally agree with Emilia, but on the other end of the spectrum. I feel that I have had to deal with NOTHING (infertility and an ectopic pregnancy) compared to those who have had a miscarriage or SIDS. I really don't don't have any idea how I would carry on if my baby died of SIDS. I actually know someone who just recently lost their 3 month old son to SIDS, and I have watched how they are dealing with it - and it tears me apart.

- We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

I put on a smile, and joke about it. Until I started dealing with infertility myself, the fact that not everyone can have babies at the drop of a hat would never have even crossed my mind. And it's not like a broken leg or another obvious aliment that people automatically know that you are having trouble with. I'm not trying to educate the rest of the world about infertility - it's something that Aaron and I deal with together. I know there are bloggers that are all about educating people about what we are going through - honestly, I only have enough energy to deal with it myself - no matter teaching everyone else about it!

- Emilia tries to get the restaurant to begin carrying a pink cupcake for William, admitting, "He will be overcome by the bliss of a strawberry cupcake and he will forget the rage in his mother's face when she looked at me. I wish there was a cupcake that delicious. What will it take for me to forget, I wonder?" Is that level of distraction only capable by children? What do you use to distract yourself when you're trying to forget something painful?

I am always thinking of all the things in my life that are totally wonderful. I have a great husband, a wonderful family that loves me, a great group of friends, a good house in a welcoming neighborhood. I am healthily, generally happy, and loved. Although I go through major frustrations with all this waiting with the IVF crap- in the end? I'm happy. Having a baby isn't what I'm waiting for to make my life whole. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Aaron and I will have a baby together. It's just a matter of when.

Hey - today is my birthday! I'm taking the day off of work, meeting a girlfriend for lunch and Aaron is sending me for a hot rock massage. Not too shabby.

I AM APPROVED!!!

I got a call from my insurance coordinator this morning!

I AM APPROVED!!!

For 2 cycles of IVF, to be completed by March 2008.

I'm a little bit excited, if you can't tell. AF is due on the 21st... so I wonder when I'll really be starting? Off to call my nurse..

ETA: Ok. Just got off the phone with the nurse. My protocal is to start a low dose of Lupron on CD 21. So, look like things will get started mid-Oct with a ER and transfer in early Nov! omg omg omg omg omg omg omg

Fireplace Excitement

I know I have been sharing pictures of the work that Aaron and his father have been doing on the house... but I don't think I've really explained the end goal. We currently are using the 'den' as our office. Aaron works from home 2 days a week, and I work from home once a week - so we really need a good place to work. But, this room is also the only room in the house with a fireplace. Directly adjacent to our current office is the room we are re-doing... turning a 3 season porch into a 'real' room. This new 'real' room will be the office, and the old office will now be a den/family room.

The den isn't a big room, but my initial excitement with this remodeling project comes from the fact I was envisioning myself sitting on a cold, wintery day and enjoying the crackle of a fire. But this fireplace was a hotly debated issue, as when we bought the house, we were told that we needed a new liner in the chimney. Since we never really tried to light a fire (hot rooms + several high end computers = big techie geek no-no), we didn't ever explore that option. But, now that the new office room is getting dangerously close to completion - I brought it up again. The initial quote from the guys was $2500 to fix it. We have spent so much on the room already, and still need to get new furniture, I had pretty much resolved myself to not having the fireplace this winter.

This morning, we had the fireplace guy come in and take a look.... and guess what! It's not as big a deal as we thought! We can have a working fireplace for a fraction of what we thought. I'm ridiculously excited about it.

In cycling news, my Managed Care lady called me this morning - she has submitted my paperwork! She talked to the guy that will be reviewing my case, and he is going to put a 'rush' on it. omg omg omg omg omg omg.

Decision to not obsess

Due to certain signs that we all know so well, I'm pretty sure I'm either ovulating or damn close. The part that we can control? Taken care of for this month. Will my ovaries and tubes cooperate? That is yet to be seen. Based on historical evidence, I'm going to guess it's a no, but as usual, hope is in the house... so for the next 2 weeks I'll be obsessively checking for signs.

Ever since New Doc mentioned that she was having the insurance coordinator submit for this month...I've started to somewhat stalk her. I called once, and listened to her message which indicated she was on vacation until Sept 10th. It said if it was an urgent IVF matter, I could call her colleague. I huge up, thinking to myself that it wasn't really 'urgent'. A few days past. I now had managed to convince myself that it is urgent, as the last time I has talk to her, she still didn't have Aaron's SA in my file. I should just call her colleague to see if they got that.

So I called. And she was really nice, but wasn't familiar with my case (what the heck did I expect!?!?!?). But looked into things, and gave me a new fax number I could have them resend the SA info to - just in case. Which I did. And then I was tempted to call to see if she got it. Which I thankfully didn't.

This morning, I picked up the phone to call my 'real' insurance coordinator (you know, since it's her first day back into the office, and I'm sure she won't be too busy, asshole that I am). I left her a voicemail telling her that I was trying not to be a stalker - but I wanted to double check that she had everything she needed to submit for IVF.

After I got off the phone, I realized that I'm being a bit of a freak, and am now making the conscious decision that I can't keep obsessing about this stuff! I was at peace only a week ago to wait until Dec for IVF. And now that I have this little sliver of hope that is will be sooner, I start twisting myself up in knots waiting to hear if it will be?

Must. Stop. Obsessing.

Fancy Gym

I know I've talked about it a little bit, but I've joined a 'fancy gym'. One with 2 pools, tennis courts, and 3 workout studios. I've only belonged to a fancy gym once before - and I can tell you the big difference is in the spin classes, the locker rooms, and the clientele. I'm a fan of spin classes - I like the loud pounding music and getting to do group exercise on a bike. In the cheap gyms - the spin rooms are usually tiny tiny and the bikes are rickety. At my new fancy gym?! Huge room with 30 brand new bikes. And the locker rooms in the cheap gyms are very basic... usually clean, but basic. In my new gym - they supply shower soap and hair products, and even have hairdryers. It's pretty sweet.

But my favorite part is the crazy rich people at my new gym. At 'normal' gyms, you do get a mix of people, but in general, they are middle class - wearing normal workout clothes, just there to do their thing. At my new 'fancy' gym? At the last few classes I have taken - there have been some pretty funny 'crazy rich lady sightings'. I totally wish I had my cell phone camera with me to get you gals pictures! (Although don't know how I would pull that off - try to take pictures with out them noticing?) Anyway - Saturday morning I went to spin class at 8 AM - and it was cold out. Two women came into class wearing, I shit you not, cashmere cardigans. They wore them throughout class... sweating in them like you and I would sweat in a sweatshirt. And this morning? A woman came in (for the 5:45 AM class, when it was still dark outside, into a dark workout room) wearing her super fancy sunglasses. She didn't remove them for the whole class.

I'm totally loving my new high class workouts...and my high class entertainment.

Good mood

I have to admit - I was totally resigned to not doing IVF until December. What with all the crappy insurance stuff and my feelings about the Old Doc still lingering, I just wasn't optimistic. For whatever reason, now I am.

Want a little peak into my IVF daydreaming? Here is how I think it'll play out. Right now I'm on CD 14. I think the doc was telling me that I would do lupron on CD 21... but even if I didn't, I think I would still have to wait to start everything until next cycle. Best case, I think the insurance will take 2 weeks to come back with an answer, and let's assume they don't submit until the 10th. So - an answer by the 24th. AF is due on the 28th. If she doesn't have me do Lupron.... I guess I could be doing the retrieval in the middle of October! Lupron (if I'm doing it?) to start on the 18thish.... and then next AF due on the 25th. Retrieval on Nov 8th?

For someone who has basically been waiting since April to get started on all this IVF crap - only a month until we do it seems impossibly close.

My Perfect Uterus

I had my hysteroscopy today. It wasn't very painful at all! I was pleasantly surprised. And New Doc and the nurse were funny -saying I had a perfect uterus. Even gave me a print out! Wanna see?

The nurse said that is was so perfect, it was vain, and didn't want to get all ugly by getting pregnant. She made me laugh with that one.

The other surprise? New Doc is submitting for insurance this month! I should find out in a few weeks if we are on for an October cycle.

Exciting.

I did it.

I wrote my MIL an e-mail yesterday, just explaining what a frustrating summer this has been for me. With all the stupid insurance and doctor problems. And why that has limited our trips. And she called this morning, and we had a good talk. I know it's wimpy to start conversations like this over email, but that is what I did.

My FSIL is so much better at handling my MIL - she mostly just grins and bears it. So, I took a lesson from her, and just talked to her. It's funny how she has no idea that she treats us differently than others in the family. But I've kind of come to the realization that I just need to let it go. This morning, when I mentioned how much it sucks to just be always waiting? She says, even though she didn't have trouble getting pregnant, there was one time when she tried for 2 months to get pregnant, and it was like it was the end of the world for her. So she says she multiplies that, and she can totally understand how I am feeling.

Maybe she can. But I doubt it.

I grew up with such a small family. I never had to deal with drama like this. I hate it. Always needing to worry about visiting and updating everyone. The rules of what is done for birthday's and holidays. Keeping count of who visited who last and how many times someone has called someone else. Augh!

In other news, I'm starting the Couch to 5K running program with Aaron and my friend Amanda next week. I've never been a great runner - but I'm getting bored with walking. I'm loving the new spin classes at my new gym... and will be starting up with swim team again next week. So, I'm switching it up a little! Anyone else want to join me?

MILs and the weekend...

My mother in law is difficult. I know there are those of you who are lucky enough to have awesome mother in law's... but mine is a little off the wall. Used to be, she was fine on a one-on-one basis, but since Aaron and I have started TTCing (and I made the mistake of telling her we were) she has been yet another level of stress on an already stressful situation. When we first started, anytime she called, the first question she would ask is 'are you pregnant yet?'. And then when I told her we were going to an RE, she was this pool of totally wrong and annoying information. "Could it be that you are overweight", 'did you know that x did y and that got them pregnant?', 'you should wait 6 months anyway - to get in a better financial situation'. This all from a woman who had her children one right after another in her early 20's. Wendy (Aaron's sister in law) later told me that when she was pregnant, Adam got 'in trouble' for not allowing her to be a part of their pregnancy. Is she serious!?!?!

Sigh.

But, it was after my ectopic that it just became too much. She was all over Aaron (not me, thank god), telling him how sad it was that we lost our baby. Honestly, I didn't feel like I lost my baby. I felt like a lost my chance at a baby, but I only knew I was pregnant for 10 days... and it wouldn't have made it no matter what. She sent flowers. She wanted to know our next steps.

My next steps were making it through the next 24 hours. Being with my husband. Crying. Holing up in my house. That lasted for about 2 months (not the crying - but certainly the need to not leave). And then, when I finally ventured out? My 2 forays out into the real world? One involved a group of 20 woman in which 4 were visibly pregnant people and the other? I was accosted by a well-meaning IVF veteran telling me to 'just adopt'. So, back into my little cocoon! I spent time with my close buddies and my mother... not much else. In the meantime, Aaron's mother visited a few times - but without asking in advance - and both times I was on pre-planned trips. Not like I was intentionally avoiding her, but it did happen to work out.

The other thing with Aaron's mother is that she is brutal with her sons. Even though they are all happily married with lives of their own, she expects them to call her and pretty much tell her every little thing that is going on in their lives. Normally not a big deal, but if they don't tell? And she hears through the grapevine about something? She does this annoying thing where she calls and tries to pull it out. Doesn't directly ask about it, but gets on the phone and tries to pull it out. And since my family is nothing like this - I really can't handle talking to her on the phone, it's too much!

Now, Aaron and I are spending pretty much each weekend working on the house. And my MIL lives on Nantucket. Which, besides being insanely busy in the summer, costs at a minimum, about $250 to go to (parking, boat tickets, etc). We just don't have that kind of money to be throwing around especially when we are doing major work on our house. And - I'm usually the one to push for trips... if Aaron had his way, we would stay in our house and never leave! So - I decided that this summer, Aaron was in charge of scheduling our trip to Nantucket, and I'm not involved.

We haven't been there in almost a year now... and also... Aaron has had to tell Betsy to stop asking about what we are doing for TTC. Her solution? She never calls me (of course, I don't call her either). This weekend was my future SIL's bridal shower. I went up and spent the weekend with her, and my MIL was there too. I was nervous at first, but my MIL barely said 2 words to me directly. I want to tell her, it isn't that I don't want to share things with her. But when I do share? She makes it bad. And uncomfortable. I talk to loads of people about our IVF plans. But when I want to talk about it. Pretty much all my friend let me broach the topic first. Because there are days when I've just had one too many pregnancy encounters, and it's just to hard. Or AF has just started. All of my friends respect this - and for whatever reason, my MIL doesn't get that.

What I really wanted to do was to sit her down, and tell her about my last 10 months. About how hard it hit me. About how badly I want a baby, and what we have had to go through over the past 10 months. The crappy doctors visit. My meltdown in the Home Depot parking lot. My planning to start IVF in May. And then June. Then July (which was one of the main reasons we didn't plan any trips this summer). And then the stupid insurance cancellation. And then doing it in August, after the doc's protest letter. And then the denial. And now the New Doc, and the plans for IVF in Oct.

If the opportunity presented itself, I probably would have done it. But she barely talked to me all weekend. I go back and forth on it. I feel like I need to protect my sanity, but I'm nervous that this is going to make a rift between Aaron and his mother that will take too much to repair. I assume a baby will fix it - but who knows when that will happen!?